Biography
A dumbass that believes in
Pastentries
I simply HATE my past.
Thats why i choose to leave them behind.
Creditorials
Monday, July 29, 2013
Title:The hottest kiss the coldest goodbye
This is the post that marks the end of my teenage life. I'm no longer young. I'm 18 already. For god's sake. I gotta move on with life and do what I'm supposed to do. Being singable wasn't that tough after all. I could meet friends as n when I like. Meet them up for a little catch up, for a puff n a movie. With my texts buddies and friends, I was able to adopt to this kind of life style I ought to have few years back.i was happy I let go of him already. I was so relax n relieved after I did that. Cause I got more free time with family and friends. But he was never on my mind anymore. Sorry to say, you're forgotten already.. ._.
Last but not least, I'm happy my blog is here with me since my primary schools days. Ranting around and creating unnecessary trouble here n there. I grew up with this blog I would like to say. It carries all my past events. Be it sadness or happiness. I'm happy it all happened. Thank you bloggy:)
I love u:)
Ciaos:)
Last sign off.
♥ 8:55 AM
Monday, July 22, 2013
Title:Lightened weight
Finally took the courage to say things out. I was sad. But I was glad that I have an explanation to myself. No longer in a heavy heart mood not knowing what to do. I was clear of what I'm gonna do in future. From now on, I'll be waiting. I'll be waiting for him to come home. I don't really know how long will this wait be, 2 yrs? 3 yrs? I don't know. But no matter how long it is, I'll be waiting. For him to come back. 
A new goal for my life. A new aim. Ain't gonna waste my life off living my days off doing unproductive stuffs. First step, is to shape my attitude back to how it was from the start. Making sure that I won't repeat my current n old days again. Don't wanna fail my parents, friends n him. Family was the most important thing now. That talk I had with mummy really woke me up. Making me realize the importance of the certain things. Things that can't be found again once it's lost. Although I lost Wilfred, but I'm sure I'll wait for his return. Without me realizing, he became part of the family in my heart. So he will be remembered. N never forgotten. He was the greatest gift I've ever got from heaven.
Although we ain't together anymore and things were changing from now on, I'll never give up or run away anymore. But I still hope that I could have a minion birthday cake from him, hamster n strawberry shortcakes..;(
Up till now, daddy didn't dare to buy me any strawberries anymore. Knowing I'll feel sad. But I still hope to have strawberries from him.
Dead tired n signing off.. Hamster
♥ 11:18 PM
Title:Missing you hurts. </3
Missing you hurts more then anything else in this world. It's day 5 since u left. Day 6 of my sickness. Nt getting any better at all. Yet, all my mind was just filled wit u , u n u... I started to develop a habit of not talking to anyone. I reply texts. But not on reality that I'll talk much like I used to. A huge part of me was missing. Life doesn't seems so interesting as it will be again. So dead n boring. Wake up, eat, sleep, stare into blank spaces n cry. A vicious cycle that is capable to make me tear out of no reasons. Heart ache like millions of knives stabbing right into my heart. But there is nothing I could do. But to blame myself n my actions that resulted us into this situation. I hate myself. I hated myself to the core. I hate looking into the mirror to see that disgusting face. I just hate myself. My actions.
Blogging on a regular basis since I have no one to talk to. No one that cares. I wanna talk to him so badly. Wanna hug him so badly. But.. I didn't have the courage to talk to him. He posted online shooting at me. He must have hated me more then I hate myself. I must be the stepping stone in his life. Jus a stone blocking his way.. Maybe right from the start, I wasn't the right one for him. Some other girl was. But I still hope I was the one.
If he were to met another girl n she was the kind of girl of this dreams, I guess I'll be happy for him. Although I won't be able to accept it. But I'll still hope for the best for him. Have the prefect relationship. Rather than being with a hopeless piece of shit like me that won't bring him any good but troubles after another.
Last but not least, I still love n misses him. I wish we could be together again. But I guess it's impossible.</3
Signing off with another photo from the past that he like about us. Was flipping through my photo albums n decided to post a photo up..
♥ 1:05 AM
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Title:Simsimi
This still works.. I'm happy it does.
♥ 10:19 AM
Title:Stubborn piece of shit
That stubbornness.
That shitty attitude.
That piece of shit.
That's me.
From now on, this will be the place where I talk, express, cry, nag n whatever shit I could do on my own. No more us, no more we. Just me, alone, again. Returning back to square doesn't seems as easy as it is. My old mentality of later can buy this with him. Can watch this with him, can share this with him, can complain this to him, can lie on his shoulders after all this long day of work. A hand to hold on to whenever I walk on the street. All this suddenly vanished right in front of me. All done with my hands n by me. I felt disgusted by myself. I felt like a total stranger to myself. I felt like I wasn't me when that quarrel was going on. I couldn't give myself a reason why this happened to me. Maybe he was right. I was crazy. A crazy piece of shit.
Letting go was like easy to me at the first place. But, a few moments later, they just hurt more then anything else in this world. What's wrong with me? What's the use of quarreling for some keyboard protector n laptop casing? Am I too fucked up? Or am I just plain stupid n dumb? Or am I just a piece of shit trying to piss everyone off cause I'm just crazy n bored?
Idk.
I don't.
I felt like a crazy bitch that ran out of IMH not long ago. I was terrified by my own actions. After so much self-reflection I made for the past 24 hrs. I just hate myself more. Bit by bit, I hate every part of me. My face, my body, my legs, my hands, every single part of me. But I hate my attitude n mentality more then anything else in this world. My stubbornness, my stupidity,my actions, my thoughts.i just hate every single part of me.
People started asking me if I hate him. I told myself yes. I shit bloody hate him to the core. For all this shits to happen. For making feel that I'm disgusting. Just a bloody disgusting piece of shit lying around the house, walking home with two best friends in the middle of the night. Casing all those troubles that weren't necessary. But no. I don't hate him. Neither do I blame him for all this. I couldn't hate him. I could only blame myself. I could only hate myself. I hate this disgusting piece of shit. I feel that I deserve all this. Being looked down at. Being criticized on the Internet. Being the hottest gossip topic around. I just deserve all this.
I'm a coward. A fucking loser coward shit. All I know was to run away. From work, school, studies, life, everything. But I couldn't help it. I just wanna leave this place. I just wanna live in Malaysia on my own again. I just wanna be alone again. So I won't bother or get others into troubles with my dirty hands n body. I feel so dirty n disgusting. No one to turn to. No where to get help. All I could do is to rot n die on my own. Just like what I deserve. I got no where to go. No where to stay. All I could remember was him. But to him, I was nothing but trouble. More n more as time passes by. I guess, no one in the world hate me more then him?
Side note: sorry for making you angry. It's too late. But I just wanna apologize. Sorry for breaking your dreams of "do ray me" n your perfect relationship. I guess some other girls deserve you more then I should. There will be someone that will be taking over my place soon n do a better job then me. Although I did a terrible job at it. I'm still happy we once got together, share the same bed, slept together, stood the same ground, share the same food, share the same love. But the love I gave you was wrong. It bring u nothing but pain. I'm sorry. I hope you will live well n be happy. Find the perfect girl for u n have the perfect relationship n the perfect love story n family. Sorry...
♥ 12:51 AM
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Title:foolish acts.
Its been a long time since I last post on this blog. Nw I
got th feel to make it come back to life again. Coz I got too many things to
say. Too many troubles n worries. N the worst thing is tht I don’t even know
whts wrong wit my mind. Seems like some ufo hit my head hard while tryin to
land safely on earth or some aliens jus shot me in my head coz im th first
human thy saw whn thy land on this planet. Okay, enuff of my nonsense n craps.its
time I move on to sayin out wht I wanna say. Splitting out all my saddnes n
stress. This post in is chapters.
Th start of it.
Nt long ago, abt 7 months ago… I was still wit ziliang. Th
one n only guy tht can provide me wit whtever I wan. Most imptly, th love n
care I wanted from a boyf. A criterial need from every boyf of mine. But sadly,
he changed. Out of a sudden, I wasn’t his priority anymore. His frens were more
impt. His drinking session was far more impt. I was struggling at tht point of
time. Worrying abt money issues. Even having a meal wit my frens he would be
unhappy. If I offended him in any way, make him angry or spoil his mood, he
would jus nt reply me from th whole day. Worst situation was two days going
three. I was so hurt. Even up till nw, flashing back to th past, it still hurts
as if everyt jus happened ytd or smtg.seems so much like a nightmare.. Worst text from him tht made my heart so
broken. Left me hanging there alone. Cryin alone whenever I thought abt it. Was
tht he rather slp den to spend time pei me. I was his girlf at tht moment. Yet I
fel tht I was being treated far worst den a stranger. Out of th blue, he felt
so unfamiliar to me. Like a total new person tht jus step into my life in less
den an hr.things turned very sour back thn. Every drama I watch, jus portraying
a couple only.be it sweet or quarreling type. I jus ended up like a abandon cry
baby sittin on th sofa. Huggin my phone hopin th best to come…
Leaving him.
Thn, I made a decision. I texted him. Drink or pei me. He
said drink.coz he promised his frens alrdy. Yet he can jus break his promise of
spending quality time wit me. It was a promise a wk ago. N yet he had alrdy
forgotten it. I told myself nt to stay anymore. Coz I suffered enuff. I deserve
th happiness every young lady shld hav. I left him. I went to sch as per norm.
went to work. Tryin to numb myself in every possible way.jus day 2 after I went
back to work, Jasper, a colleague tried to hit on me. But my aim thn was to
stay single.. plus he wasn’t my cup of tea. I took up th courage to find back
my old frens. Those frens tht I wasn’t allowed n I cant contact whn I was wit
ziling. He basically restricted me till I got no social life. N he blames me
from restricting his social life. Whn his frens jio him he didn’t wanna go.coz
he wnna spend it wit me. But I took up most of th stuffs he blames me for. Sometimes
too tired to explain or quarrel back. Th first few frens I look back was junwei
n co. damn.thy didn’t giv up on me.thy didn’t forget me. Instead thy understand me.. life
was pretty plain thn. But I had my work n sch to keep me busy.
This boyf.
Nt long after, I found back Wilfred. My mac’s best buddy
cum best bro of all. I wanted to get back wit him coz his th one tht helps me
whenever I was being throw aside by ziliang or my parents. I texted him, requested
him to pick me up after work. Nd to admit smtg over here.. I kinda wanna let
tht Jasper back off on his own whn he saw wilfred come pick me up. We spend
time tgt. Talkin. Playin. Cryin to my sadness. Suddenly,he hug me. Whisper to
my ear, tellin me nt to be sad. I was so touched. p/s: I knew he had a crush on
me years ago.jus wasn’t cfm till he hug me.lol n I too once had a crush on him.but wasn’t asure
of my feelings thn. But after we were
tgt. I was 100% sure I was in love wit this guy.
His existence made me forget ziliang slowly. Bringing more
n more happiness to my life. Letting me be a princess being loved by th prince
again.
My foolish mind.
This title roughly gav u an idea of wht im thinking nw.
yes. 6 months of relationship. Almost turned into dust becoz of my actions. Some
part of me still cant let go of th ex. A huge part of me still love wilfred
this boyf till even this day.
Maybe its becoz I n
her share th same boyf, ziliang. It was th past for me. Th present for her. Happening
since first april. Yet, I was so upset. I once did so much to him. Yet this
girl out of no where didn’t do much. Yet he dote on this girl more den he used
to dote on me. Bring her sentimental place like waterfront. Im aware of th sadness n pain I inflicted to
my ex. But its becoz I couldn’t take his actions anymore. N in th middle of it I
scolded him countless times. Coz I jus couldn’t accept th fact tht he treated
me in tht manner. N one of th thing was tht im being used as a threaten tool
against him for some outsiders issues.
I contacted him for my stuffs. But he keeps draggin. Talk
to him n he tried to make me say out
stuffs like I regretted leaving him n stuffs. But I didn’t regret leaving him. I
knw I made th right choice to do tht. Coz I n him jus cant work out.we aint
meant to be. I admit I was sad coz some part of me still cant let go. But even
he n his girlf break n no more le, I also wont go back. Coz it doesn’t work tht
way. N hell no. im nt gonna leave my Wilfred again. I made a mistake thes two
days. N im nt gonna like history repeats itself again. I CANT FKIN AFFORT TO LOSE WILFRED AGAIN.
I did some soul searchin today. I finally let go of
everyt.. my heart don’t feel so xin ku anymore. Coz 我看开了。真正属于我的幸福，我的最终，是我最爱的男朋友,
WILFRED TAN JUNLI.
I caused so much
hurt to Wilfred. N I truly regretted it. Very very much.
Baby, if ur reading this, im sry.. I nd u back. I nd u to
love me like u always do.. we could walk this tgt am I right? Lets replace all
those unwanted memories wit our new memories yeah?:C
140912, I miss u, I need u, I love u..
♥ 2:42 AM