That shitty attitude.

That piece of shit.

That's me. 

From now on, this will be the place where I talk, express, cry, nag n whatever shit I could do on my own. No more us, no more we. Just me, alone, again. Returning back to square doesn't seems as easy as it is. My old mentality of later can buy this with him. Can watch this with him, can share this with him, can complain this to him, can lie on his shoulders after all this long day of work. A hand to hold on to whenever I walk on the street. All this suddenly vanished right in front of me. All done with my hands n by me. I felt disgusted by myself. I felt like a total stranger to myself. I felt like I wasn't me when that quarrel was going on. I couldn't give myself a reason why this happened to me. Maybe he was right. I was crazy. A crazy piece of shit.

Letting go was like easy to me at the first place. But, a few moments later, they just hurt more then anything else in this world. What's wrong with me? What's the use of quarreling for some keyboard protector n laptop casing? Am I too fucked up? Or am I just plain stupid n dumb? Or am I just a piece of shit trying to piss everyone off cause I'm just crazy n bored? 

Idk.

I don't.

I felt like a crazy bitch that ran out of IMH not long ago. I was terrified by my own actions. After so much self-reflection I made for the past 24 hrs. I just hate myself more. Bit by bit, I hate every part of me. My face, my body, my legs, my hands, every single part of me. But I hate my attitude n mentality more then anything else in this world. My stubbornness, my stupidity,my actions, my thoughts.i just hate every single part of me.

People started asking me if I hate him. I told myself yes. I shit bloody hate him to the core. For all this shits to happen. For making feel that I'm disgusting. Just a bloody disgusting piece of shit lying around the house, walking home with two best friends in the middle of the night. Casing all those troubles that weren't necessary. But no. I don't hate him.  Neither do I blame him for all this. I couldn't hate him. I could only blame myself. I could only hate myself. I hate this disgusting piece of shit. I feel that I deserve all this. Being looked down at. Being criticized on the Internet. Being the hottest gossip topic around. I just deserve all this.

I'm a coward. A fucking loser coward shit. All I know was to run away. From work, school, studies, life, everything. But I couldn't help it. I just wanna leave this place. I just wanna live in Malaysia on my own again. I just wanna be alone again. So I won't bother or get others into troubles with my dirty hands n body. I feel so dirty n disgusting. No one to turn to. No where to get help. All I could do is to rot n die on my own. Just like what I deserve. I got no where to go. No where to stay. All I could remember was him. But to him, I was nothing but trouble. More n more as time passes by. I guess, no one in the world hate me more then him?

Side note: sorry for making you angry. It's too late. But I just wanna apologize. Sorry for breaking your dreams of "do ray me" n your perfect relationship. I guess some other girls deserve you more then I should. There will be someone that will be taking over my place soon n do a better job then me. Although I did a terrible job at it. I'm still happy we once got together, share the same bed, slept together, stood the same ground, share the same food, share the same love. But the love I gave you was wrong. It bring u nothing but pain. I'm sorry. I hope you will live well n be happy. Find the perfect girl for u n have the perfect relationship n the perfect love story n family. Sorry...

♥ 12:51 AM